


dyin' ain't so bad

by lostin_space



Category: Roswell New Mexico (TV 2019)
Genre: Handwavy Science, Hopeful Ending, M/M, Suicidal Thoughts, Terminal Illnesses
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-28
Updated: 2020-03-28
Packaged: 2021-02-28 22:13:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,398
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23354479
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lostin_space/pseuds/lostin_space
Summary: Alex is dying and he doesn't want help.
Relationships: Alex Manes & Kyle Valenti, Michael Guerin/Alex Manes
Comments: 11
Kudos: 124





	dyin' ain't so bad

**Author's Note:**

> this turned into something else entirely halfway through whoops

“Alex, you need to talk to them.”

“No.”

Kyle sighed, trying not to show how badly he was hurting for his friend. He wasn’t sure exactly what happened, but Alex was really fucking sick. An un-fixable level of sick. Kyle just had to watch as he laid up in bed and let it happen.

“You’re going to regret it,” Kyle tried again. Alex shook his head, wincing as he curled further into himself. He refused to tell him exactly what was wrong, only that he had limited time left. To say it was infuriating was an understatement.

“I said all I wanted to say to them,” Alex told him, “Can you get me water please?”

Kyle sighed, “Yes. But please think about talking to them.”

Four months prior, Alex had gotten drunk during a friendly brunch and basically destroyed his relationship with everyone. Kyle was the only one who stuck around because, well, Alex had insulted them with the truth. Kyle couldn’t blame Alex for getting fed up and calling people out on their shit. Maria  _ did _ backstab him, Michael  _ did _ ignore his feelings, Liz  _ did _ choose favorites, Kyle  _ did _ put his father in a coma that he woke up from. Alex was right.

The place where Alex went wrong was refusing to even try to reconcile whenever they were still all working on the same goal. Maybe they didn’t try either, but it still caused a lot of problems.

Kyle brought Alex a glass of water and pills for the pain. Ever since Alex had accepted his “fate”, he became willing to take whatever would make him get through the day without feeling like complete trash. Kyle helped him take a sip and brushed his hair off his sweaty forehead.

“I wish you’d let me help you,” he sighed. Alex shrugged slightly.

“You are helping.”

“Keeping you comfortable is not helping,” Kyle said, “I don’t even know what’s wrong with you. Have you even been to see a doctor? How do you know for sure it’s fatal?”

Alex looked up at him, eyes bloodshot like they always were these days. His face was sunken in, his face was pale, and, beneath his baggy clothes and blankets, his body was rail thin. His symptoms didn’t match anything Kyle knew–or, rather, they matched too many things. Weak, coughing, loss of appetite, hair loss, trouble breathing, aching muscles, loss of hand-eye coordination, dizzy spells, fatigue, vomiting. He just had fucking everything and it was destroying him.

“I don’t need a doctor to know what it is and that it’s fatal,” Alex told him. Which, to his credit, was the most he’d ever said about his ailment.

“Alex, if there’s some way to stop this then–”

“There isn’t,” he said as firmly as his body would allow, “Promise.”

“I don’t want to lose you, Alex,” he admitted. Alex swallowed and took a heavy breath.

“You’ll be fine. I’ll be out of your hair before you know it.”

He didn’t know how to quite articulate just how  _ not _ bothered he was by taking care of him, so he didn’t. He just let him fall asleep and stayed at his bedside.

-

“Kyle.”

Kyle glanced up and saw Michael trying and failing to pretend this was an accidental run-in. He’d seen the alien leaving the coffee shop next door before spotting him and then magically appearing in the grocery store with him.

“What’s up?” Kyle asked, trying to act like he wasn’t frustrated. But he was.

He wanted to grab Michael, throw him in the car, and force him to talk to Alex. He knew that if Alex died and the last thing he said to Michael was “funny that you never wanted to settle down until it was specially designed to ruin my life, can’t wait for your children to haunt me”, then he’d regret it. He didn’t want Alex to die with regrets.

He didn’t want Alex to die.

“Um,” Michael started, clenching and unclenching his fists as he looked around, “This is gonna sound weird, but is Alex okay?”

“Why would that sound weird?” Kyle asked slowly. Michael gave him that look that said ’ _ you know why’ _ . Kyle rolled his eyes. “Why don’t you just come see for yourself?”

Worry creased in Michael’s forehead and he stepped closer.

“What’s going on Kyle? Something feels off, I can’t pinpoint it, but something’s wrong,” he said. Kyle just stared blankly at him then gestured towards the shopping cart.

“I’m doing his grocery shopping. You can come with me back to the cabin if you’d like.”

“He’s not staying at home?” Michael asked, but quickly shook his head, “He doesn’t want to see me, just tell me what’s wrong.”

“I don’t know what’s wrong, he refuses to say,” Kyle sighed. Michael seemed to get even more concerned.

“Well, what the fuck does that mean?”

“You can just see for yourself if you go see him,” Kyle insisted. Michael looked conflicted, pained even. “I’m sure he’d love to see you.”

“He doesn’t want to see me,” Michael repeated, “He made that pretty clear last time we spoke.” Kyle rolled his eyes.

“Look, Alex was drunk and just letting it out. I’m sure he didn’t mean to never see you again after he blew up at brunch,” he insisted. Michael looked at him in confusion.

“No, I meant when I spoke to him last month,” Michael said, “He didn’t tell you? I thought he told you everything now.”

Kyle tilted his head to the side and was ready to go yell at the dying liar.

“What exactly did he say?”

-

“Alex, I cannot believe you.”

Kyle felt a little bad as he walked into the bedroom and saw him throwing up into the bucket at his bedside. When he stopped, he sunk into the bed looking even worse than he did that morning. He wheezed with every breath, but he still looked at Kyle like he was itching for a challenge.

Kyle was terrified for the day that fight left him.

“I ran into Guerin. He said he tried to talk to you a month ago,” Kyle said, trying his best to keep his voice calm, “Why the hell did you tell him you didn’t love him and didn’t want to see him again? Why lie about that?”

Alex shrugged before quickly sneezing and then groaning because the motion of the sneeze hurt his body. Kyle grimaced and had to take a moment to gather himself. He hated this. This was the worst fucking thing he’d ever gone through.

“Alex,” Kyle started again when it became clear that Alex wasn’t going to answer, “Why’d you say that to him? If you’re so sure you’re going to die, don’t you want to see him?”

Alex frowned and shook his head. “It’s better this way.”

“ _ How?”  _

“I’d rather go with him thinking we fell out of love than him feel guilty,” Alex said, melting a little more into his bed. Kyle knew he only admitted that because he was on painkillers. However, one part of that definitely stood out to him.

"You were sick a month ago?” Kyle asked, voice as controlled as he could be. That was the only way to get information from a not-entirely-coherent Alex Manes.

“No,” Alex hummed, “But I knew I would get sick.”

Kyle was frozen for a moment, just staring as Alex just started to go to sleep. He let him go to sleep because he needed and then promptly left the room. He knew he was going to get sick. How the  _ hell  _ did he know that? And if he did, why didn’t he do something to stop it?

Against his better judgment, Kyle picked up his phone and called Liz.

-

“Is there a chance it’s alien?”

“I have no fucking idea,” Kyle sighed, “But maybe. I mean, it doesn’t seem like anything I’ve seen before. Maybe he was messing with something he shouldn’t have? Or found something toxic in the files? He refuses to talk about it.”

Liz pouted as she stared at Alex’s sleeping form. He’d been sleeping a lot more in general, but the last two days he’d been sleeping almost as much as a newborn. It was scaring Kyle more than he wanted to admit. Because knowing Alex was going to die and watching him lose the fight were two very, very different things.

“When he wakes up, he’s going to be so pissed I called you,” Kyle said. Liz gave him a concerned look.

“Does he hate us that much?”

“No, as far as I can tell, he didn’t make a point to make up with anyone because he didn’t want any of you to care when he’s gone,” Kyle said. Liz gave a hurt noise in response and looked over at him. “But, honestly, did any of you reach out to him?”

Liz didn’t answer right away, still staring at Alex’s form. He was pale and sweaty, but he still was covered up with more than a few blankets. Kyle could hear his heavy breathing from across the room. He didn’t know what the fuck to do.

“Have you taken blood? Tested it? Anything?” Liz asked instead. Kyle sighed and shook his head.

“He won’t let me.”

“Well, fuck, do it anyway. We can’t just let him die, Kyle.”

“I’m not forcing medical examinations or treatments on him, Liz. I’m the only one he hasn’t pushed away, so I’m not doing anything to make him hate me too,” Kyle told her. She looked at him, desperate for him to do something. He couldn’t. “I only called you to see if you could help me research for what it could be. Maybe he’ll let me do something if I can give him proof of a cure. I’m not asking you to force anything on him.”

“Okay,” Liz agreed, “We’ll search for a cure.”

-

“Alex?”

Alex gave a lopsided smile from his place in bed, trying his best to sit up in bed. Kyle walked over and helped him, making sure the tubes providing him oxygen didn’t get tangled up. They’d reached a level of friendship they couldn’t really go back on and he didn’t know how to feel about it.

“You’ve got a visitor,” Kyle told him. Alex furrowed his eyebrows, hands shaking as he tried to sit up without Kyle’s help. Kyle still pulled a pillow behind him for support. “It’s Liz.”

“What?” Alex asked. Liz popped her head in the doorway, smiling. Alex looked up at Kyle and then back to her, letting out a weak noise of discontent from all the movement. “Hi.”

“Hey,” Liz said sweetly, walking further into the bedroom, “How are you?” Alex stared blankly at her. “Right.”

“Liz came and she’s helping me look through files to try and figure out what might be wrong with you,” Kyle said. Alex started to shake his head in protest, but Kyle leaned closer to him. “We found something.”

“Stop,” he said weakly, “I don’t want it.”

“You don’t want to get better?” Liz clarified. Kyle ignored them both.

“The first tests from 1948 have notes of humans getting fatal illnesses two weeks after coming into contact with what I can only assume was originally a vaccine for an illness on their planet or maybe even something they took to help keep them safe from illnesses on ours. They never found a cure, they just locked up the rest of the substance,” Kyle explained. Alex seemed to sink further in bed. “Did you find it?”

Alex was silent for a moment, letting the air feel painfully heavy. Eventually, he sighed.

“I didn’t know what it was. It has a psychic ability to make you want it, probably to help kids not be scared to take it,” Alex said, taking a heavy breath in between every bundle of words, “That and there was already a needle on the vial. I couldn’t help myself.”

“Alex,” Kyle breathed, shaking his head in disdain, “Why didn’t you just tell me? I could’ve-”

“There is no cure. They revisited it before the initial shut down of Project Shepard. They all died, slow and painful deaths. It just happens. No point in fighting it,” Alex said. All the talking had him winded and exhausted again. Kyle shook his head.

“Yes, there  _ is  _ a point. I don’t want you to die,” Kyle said out loud, firmly.

“And this is basically my specialty,” Liz jumped in, “I wish I would’ve had an earlier warning, but I can still try. I don’t want you to die either, Alex. We all love you.”

“I’m tired,” Alex said, refusing to entertain them.

“Alex,” Kyle tried again.

“Stop,” Alex said with the most force he’d had in days, “I don’t want you wasting your fucking time. Leave me alone.”

“Saving your life isn’t a waste of time!” Liz argued.

“Yes, it is.”

They both stared at Alex for a few more minutes, but when he said he was tired, he meant it. He was asleep inhumanly fast and Kyle felt sick. He looked at Liz and they both seemed to decide on something, both of them leaving the room at the same time.

“I’m gonna find what’s left of that serum and we’re going to save him,” Kyle said.

“Agreed.”

-

“What are you doing?” 

Kyle looked up to see Michael hovering in the doorway, clearly being nosey as ever. They shared a look before looking back to Michael.

“Trying to save Alex,” he admitted. Michael’s face went through a sea of emotions. “Yeah, well, you should’ve come to see him when I ran into you last week.”

“What?” Michael asked cautiously, trying to process what was being said, “Is it bad?”

“Yeah,” Liz admitted. Michael stood there for a few more minutes, eyes and face blank like he’d just checked out of the situation. They both stared at him for a moment, letting him look more and more lost with each second.

And then he bolted.

“Should I go after him?” Liz asked. However, there was the sound of his truck starting up.

“He and Maria broke up, right?”

“Yeah.”

“Then no, let him go.”

They were silent for a few hours, still tinkering. They’d been working basically around the clock for the last week, trying to find something as fast as possible. Alex was deteriorating faster each day. It was painful to watch and Kyle was getting more terrified that they weren’t going to find something in time.

“Wait, wait, Kyle, come here,” Liz said, ushering him over. Kyle peered into the microscope to see what she found. “Look, it stopped spreading! It’s been 24 hours with that serum and it stopped spreading!” 

“And if we get it to stop spreading in Alex, his body might have a chance at fighting,” Kyle went on.

“And it’ll buy us time to find a legit cure!” she finished, grinning wildly and proud. He could’ve kissed her right then.

“Let’s go.” 

-

Alex couldn’t move. 

His body was weak and it was a pain in the ass to breathe, but he was doing it. It was really weird knowing you were out of time and really weird feeling your body slowly shut down. Sure, it wasn’t a  _ new  _ feeling to Alex, but this was the first time he didn’t feel the need to get better. He was content curling up in bed and letting it happen. He did like it better when Kyle was around, though. You know, as long as he wasn’t nagging.

But then a new voice entered the cabin.

“Alex?” Michael called. 

Alex’s mind willed him to cover up more, but his body wouldn’t listen. So, instead, he laid there like an embarrassment, heaving each breath as Michael appeared in front of him. He didn’t say anything. Alex didn’t want him to. He just wanted him to leave. Why did he have to make this harder than it needed to be?

“Oh my God, Alex,” Michael whispered, cautiously reaching out to touch him. Part of Alex wanted to move away, but when his warm hand rested on his cheek, he couldn’t think of anything he’d rather feel before he died.

Michael kept saying his name in all different tones, all different emotions. It was something he didn’t know he wanted. Why was he sweet  _ now?  _

_ “ _ I’m so sorry I didn’t come see you earlier. I’m so sorry,” Michael gushed. Alex just closed his eyes and sort of wished he would leave. He hadn’t come earlier. There was a reason for that. They weren’t together and he didn’t want Michael feeling guilty. He was tired of making Michael upset. 

With all the energy he could muster, Alex said, “Leave.”

Michael immediately shook his head and moved to sit on Alex’s bed.

“No, I’m not going anywhere. Not anymore. No more pushing each other away, right?” he said softly, running his hand through Alex’s hair. Alex sucked in another breath and he was so fucking tired. “Can I lay with you for a little while?”

Alex didn’t say yes, but he didn’t say no either. He wasn’t sure he had the energy to say anything even if he wanted to. And, right now, he was sort of okay with Michael just laying with him. If he wasn’t going to leave, might as well be selfish, right?

Michael lowered himself as carefully as possible, making sure not to interfere with the wires that were keeping Alex comfortable. He laid beside him and slowly, carefully tried to cuddle up against him. Alex couldn’t really make an effort on his own, but he could rest his head on Michael’s bicep. Michael reached out and let his arm gently rest over Alex’s thin torso.

“You’re gonna get better,” Michael whispered, “And then we’re gonna work out together so you can get your abs back.” Alex managed a tiny smile that didn’t last too long, but it seemed to suffice.

It didn’t take long for him to fall asleep.

-

“Guys!”

Kyle and Liz both ran into Alex’s cabin and into his bedroom as fast as they could, seeing both men asleep in Alex’s bed. Kyle gave a silent thanks to Michael for clearly doing something right for once in his life. At the commotion, Michael sleepily raised his head.

“We think we found something that’ll stop the spread of the poison in his bloodstream,” Liz said to him, “Wake him up.”

Michael still seemed out of it, but he nodded and shifted slowly so he wouldn’t hurt him. Alex had ended up morphed into his side and it was the most at peace Kyle had seen him in days. Michael touched his cheek.

“Alex,” he called softly, trying to just sweet-talk him awake, “You gotta wake up, okay?” A few more seconds of him being calm passed before it became clear that Alex wasn’t waking up. “Alex?  _ Alex,  _ c’mon.”

Kyle all but jumped onto the bed, trying not to be too harsh as he moved Michael out of the way to check out Alex. He quickly felt for a pulse and found it was super faint along with the fact that he was barely breathing. They had to do something  _ now. _

“Okay, fuck, okay, Liz, we need to give him the serum right now and then follow it up with a steroid shot,” he said, “Michael, my bag is in the other room and I have a bottle of dexamethasone, get that for me with a needle and gloves.”

“Wait, do you know how that’s going to interact with the serum or are you just fucking guessing?” Michael asked, panic on his face. Kyle almost kicked him out of the bed.

“I don’t have a choice, I’m trying to save his life,” he said. Michael huffed a breath but ran to do as he was told. 

Liz gave Kyle hand sanitizer which he used quickly before accepting the gloves that Michael had given him in record speed. He cleaned off a patch of Alex’s skin with an alcohol wipe and then promptly injected the serum into his bloodstream. A few seconds later, he did the same with the steroid, massaging the injection points and waiting for Alex to wake up. He knew it wasn’t going to make a massive difference, but he could handle it as long as he was awake.

“Get me an oxygen mask,” Kyle directed, moving his fingers to find Alex’s pulse. It was a little stronger, but not as strong as he wanted. Once the mask was hooked up, he removed the cannula from Alex’s nose and put the mask over his face. 

“Now what?” Michael asked.

“Now we wait,” Kyle answered.

“And if it doesn’t work?” 

“Then we try again.”

-

Alex opened his eyes slowly.

“Hey,” Liz said, her face hovering over his with a wide smile, “Welcome back.”

“What’s going on?” he groaned, his body aching when he tried to move. Still, he felt more rested than he’d been in a while. In fact, as sore as he was, he felt stronger than he remembered.

“Well, you’ve been asleep for a week,” Liz told him, “But it’s a good thing. It gave your body a lot of time to fight the poison in your bloodstream.”

“Fight it?” Alex repeated. She smiled even wider.

“Yep. I came up with a serum to make it stop spreading, so your blood cells got to work. I’ve still been looking for a cure, but you’re getting better every day,” she said proudly. Alex shut his eyes and tried not to be angry at her for doing exactly what he told her not to. “Don’t get mad, you didn’t sign a DNR.”

“I should’ve,” he said. She frowned at him, but she tried to cover it up. It didn’t work.

“Look who’s here,” she said instead of continuing that conversation, sounding like she was talking to a child as she gestured beside him. He turned his head slightly to see Michael passed out on the pillow beside him. “He’s been awake for like a week making sure you were still breathing, so I didn’t wanna wake him up when you started to.”

“Alex,” Kyle’s voice suddenly said. Alex lifted his head just a little to see the doctor himself sighing a breath of relief. He came over and hugged him incredibly tight. “For future reference, you’re not allowed to die on me.”

“Yeah, well,” Alex sighed, his eyes drifting back to Michael. 

“How are you feeling?” Kyle asked, doctor mode replacing the friend mode he’d greeted him with.

Alex just relaxed and let Kyle check over him, continuously looking over to Michael. He remembered him coming over, but the whole situation was blurry. He didn’t remember if they talked at all. He didn’t really remember talking to anyone about anything, honestly. He just remembered wanting to be left alone so he could die in peace and now…

Tears pricked his eyes involuntarily as he realized he went through all that bullshit for nothing. They just brought him back to feel good about themselves and now he was going to be back to square one. He finally had an out and they took that away. Why couldn’t they just let it end?

“Hey, what’s wrong?” Kyle asked. Alex swallowed hard and looked up, trying not to cry. “Alex?”

“Why couldn’t you just let me die? I told you not to find a fucking cure, I told you I didn’t want it,” Alex told him. Kyle blinked in surprise and Michael shifted beside them.

“Alex,” Liz started.

“No, I said I didn’t want it and you did it anyway. I was done, I left things how I wanted, and instead, you brought everyone into my home and made them cure me. I wanted to go on  _ my  _ terms. Why couldn’t you fucking respect that?” he asked, voice straining. Liz and Kyle both just stared at him like deers caught in headlights. “Why are you all so fucking selfish?”

“Are you saying forcing me to watch my best friend die wasn’t selfish?” Kyle asked him.

Alex took a deep breath, his lung burning just a little. He felt tired all over again.

“Yeah, maybe, I’m sorry. But you wouldn’t leave me alone even when I tried to push you away,” Alex said. Kyle stared at him for a minute before nodding.

“Okay,” he said, “When you get better, I think we should look into admitting you into a place that can help you.”

“What?” Alex snapped. Or, tried too.

“Alex, this was almost a suicide attempt. You’re literally telling me that you wanted to die. You need to get help,” Kyle said sternly. Alex didn’t know what to say to that. He couldn’t tell him that he was wrong. Instead, Alex closed his eyes and tried to go back to sleep. He just wanted to be asleep. “Okay. We’ll talk when you’re stronger.”

Pretty soon, two pairs of feet exited the room and left him alone. Sort of.

“Do you really wanna die?” Michael asked softly, childishly.

Alex looked over at him, his eyes wide and scared despite the dark circles beneath them. Alex sighed and Michael scooted closer. He just wanted to go to sleep.

“You can’t die, Alex,” Michael said, “I’d miss you.”

“Yeah, well, you didn’t miss me until you felt guilty, so.”

“That’s not true. I missed you every day, but I thought you didn’t want to see me again. If I knew… If I knew how you were feeling, I would’ve stuck around,” Michael said. Alex stayed silent. “If you die, I’ll never get a chance to make it up to you. None of us will.”

“What makes you think you can?”

Michael scooted a little bit closer and rested his cheek on Alex’s shoulder.

“I don’t know. But you gotta let me try. For that to happen, you gotta get help.”

Alex sighed and stupidly let himself enjoy the feeling of Michael’s breath on his skin. He felt like he always just let this bullshit happen. Michael claimed that he was the one being pulled back and forth, but he didn’t seem to realize his own magnetic fucking qualities. 

“Okay, fine, I’ll get help.”

Michael breathed a sigh of relief and scooted even closer, pressing his face into the crook of Alex’s neck.

Maybe he could find a reason to stay alive a little longer.

**Author's Note:**

> also on my tumblr: spaceskam


End file.
